I am Afraid

I am afraid.
I am afraid of the cycle that I am attached to--afraid of myself. I am afraid of the way I subject myself to being unfeeling--isolate myself and go into a cycle of work and play without any in-between, no processing, no free thoughts, only intellectual concerns and mindless entertainment.

I am afraid that I will waste my life away.

I am afraid of these phases where I cannot simply enjoy a book or song because my mind is caught up with life-- or rather the tiny part of life that is school. I am afraid of the way I simply stop living thoughtfully and just work towards higher scores.

I am afraid of the times I stop longing for hugs--for the way I suppress everything and smile.

I am afraid of the way that I feel and love and care but am too scared to let it all out.

I am afraid of the way I think so hard about what they think but I'm also afraid of the way I don't care.

I am afraid of the frowns but I'm afraid of the way I've stopped sensing the stabbing power of disapproval because, because of the vicious cycle.

I am afraid of the towns and cities that I'll go to. I am afraid I won't breathe them in enough.

I am afraid of the screams, but more afraid of the lack thereof.