Free

If I were meaner I would tell you to please shut up.
If I were bolder I would wake you up at 12 am and cry with you there but I'm not
If I were happier we'd both be

If I were secure
I wouldn't try to impress you

If I were free
I would be free

To just listen for once

Some words aren't meant to be said. The plateaus are worse than the hills. I want a hug. I want to die. But not really. I want clarity. I want someone to just listen. To just listen for once.

I am Afraid

I am afraid.
I am afraid of the cycle that I am attached to--afraid of myself. I am afraid of the way I subject myself to being unfeeling--isolate myself and go into a cycle of work and play without any in-between, no processing, no free thoughts, only intellectual concerns and mindless entertainment.

I am afraid that I will waste my life away.

I am afraid of these phases where I cannot simply enjoy a book or song because my mind is caught up with life-- or rather the tiny part of life that is school. I am afraid of the way I simply stop living thoughtfully and just work towards higher scores.

I am afraid of the times I stop longing for hugs--for the way I suppress everything and smile.

I am afraid of the way that I feel and love and care but am too scared to let it all out.

I am afraid of the way I think so hard about what they think but I'm also afraid of the way I don't care.

I am afraid of the frowns but I'm afraid of the way I've stopped sensing the stabbing power of disapproval because, because of the vicious cycle.

I am afraid of the towns and cities that I'll go to. I am afraid I won't breathe them in enough.

I am afraid of the screams, but more afraid of the lack thereof.

Expectations

Expectations. We all have them. We demand acceptance and then require perfection from others. We learn to love the idea of someone more than the person themselves. From the millions of articles with titles like "10 Signs He's The Right One" detailing the perfect romantic partner to the TV shows that star airbrushed actresses who seem to have their hair in place after a crazy car crash, we are bombarded with expectations; we are taught to idealize humanity, we are not taught to accept people for who they are. We are taught to make sure people accept us for who we are, but we are told to never compromise when it comes to others, to put ourselves first.

Instead of looking at another person and hoping they will be something they are not, why not learn to really love them for who they are. Why say a guy is not worth it because he is passive-aggressive, why say a girl is not worth it because she is a little too flirtatious. NO. Every single person is worth fighting for--maybe not entrusting your heart to; but worth fighting for as if they were you.

We must love people, not ideals or ideas or expectations.

:)

I am sorry.

I am trying to speak, to hug, to joke, to impress you.
But I cannot, I simply cannot laugh
For I know that I have pain
And I know that I have sorrow
And I know that I am not as bright as I make myself out to be
I know for sure I am not as witty
I am not as foolhardy
I am not as boisterous
I am quiet

Sometimes I realize that I am simply a product of sensations and dreams and fake laughs and real laughs and screams. I wish that I could talk about how I really am feeling and yet I do not want to be a person that must depend on other people. I do not want to be clingy. I do not want to be that person that people listen to out of pity and never truly love.

So what must I do? Do I simply carry on? I need to talk to someone who will just sit with me and let me talk or cry or just hug me because I am ready to be a big baby now but I'm scared.

Good night, dear reader.

2017.

Who walks on the waters
Who speaks to the sea
Who stands in the fire beside me
He roars like a lion
He bled as the lamb
He carries my healing in his hands
Jesus

Jesus by Chris Tomlin

Father help me not to just be full of emotion here but to truly glorify You in all that I do. To love and respect everyone around me instead of trying to get attention. Inspire stories and poetry and articles and songs--whatever You want to be in this world. Let the fire burn bright this year. Forgive me for being self-centered. 

Love, Your child.

Step up, babe.

To the girl up alone at 3 am. To the girl who lives in denial. To the girl who won't be objectified. To the girl who is tangled up inside.

I sit here. Against my better judgement that tells me to sleep. I sit here. Knowing I trusted too easily. I sit here. Trying to squeeze larger tears out if only to make myself feel better.

To the girl who doesn't fuss with her feelings. To the girl too pained to move and ask for help. To the girl who has contemplated suicide.

To the girl who has been rejected one too many times. Because that's it, isn't it? You thought that maybe you were at least average in attractiveness but today was the day you realized that the most you are is a sex toy for guys who don't have prettier girls at their disposal. You realize that you're not anybody's number one. That you're not just second best, you are the least.

To the girl who is crying because of a guy. To the girl scratching her face in denial. To the girl who is tired of competing with girls who easily fall into the arms of guys. To the girl who is tired of waiting. To the girl who knows deep inside she is not pretty enough, not good enough, not flirtatious enough, too clingy, too soft, too hard.

Who cares what they think.

You ARE pretty enough. You ARE strong enough. And if he hugs you when you're alone but goes for a prettier girl as soon as she arrives, completely neglecting you, he's just not worth it. You are beautiful. You are strong.

And there is a guy out there who has you at the top of his love list. And guess what: there is no number 2.