I am tired of seeking attention and yet I know, perhaps it is not to be found. I am tired of being me. I am tired of being alive. I hate being alone. When I'm with people, there is at least the motivation of impressing them, the motivation of receiving and giving love. Hugs, kisses, eye contact, acceptance. Though it rarely if ever happens, there is always the hope that someone will probe deeper. For you see dear Reader, my heart is akin to the surface of Mars, there is barely any oxygen there right now and there is barely any gravity to my feelings and I do things with a motivation that is an alloy of integrity and hidden agendas. And I feel weak, dear Reader. Do you?
You know the quote from the book The Perks of Being a Wallflower (I told you that was on my mind!)?
It’s great that you can listen and be a shoulder to someone, but what about when someone doesn’t need a shoulder. What if they need the arms or something like that? You can’t just sit there and put everybody’s lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can’t. You have to do things.”
See I wrote that on my wall (literally and metaphorically) because I know that I am passive and that I don't initiate love enough. But honestly I feel like I need arms right now, dear Reader. But I know that if everyone were to act like me then no one would receive love and we would all close ourselves off, hinting that we need arms but never going to get it. In the context of that story, she was not just urging him to be the initiator, she was also urging him to go get what he wants. See, I believe the arms are both for comfort and to be comforted. We're all lonely. Sometimes pursuing our selfish desires with an inkling of sincerity and do way more good than simply closing off and simply listening, being a wallflower that hears all and speaks nothing.
So dear Reader, will you promise me something? Or don't promise; just do this: if you want a hug, go get it. But make sure there's at least an inkling of sincerity in it or you're simply objectifying the other person for your own good. And if you see me, come hug me! Or maybe I'll come hug you. It really doesn't matter.
Let's be prepared to give arms, not just ears.
I love you, dear Reader.
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